Dear England,

It’s been a bad week for you. First the BREXIT and then the humiliating defeat by a country populated by 300,000 people and some trolls and elves (plus whatever Bjork is).

I can’t help you with the BREXIT, chaps. That was your own doing. But I can give you something to be cheerio about. Getting knocked out of Euro 2016 by Iceland wasn’t “humiliating” at all. Just stop being English for a bit and try to put things in perspective.


Firstly – England isn’t that good at football (soccer). Sorry, someone had to tell you. Yes, you won the World Cup in 1966 on home soil. Besides that, it’s been zilch, zero, nada. At every big tournament you lads get all excited about your chances, lacking any justification whatsoever. Your performances at all major tournaments have been, on average… well, average. Maybe it’s high time for a “Warm Pint of Realism”? The last 16 is about right for a very average footballing nation like England.

Take a look at your record in the European Championships:

1964 did not qualify
1968 3rd of 4
1972 did not qualify
1976 did not quality
1980 5th of 8
1984 did not qualify
1988 7th of 8
1992 7th of 8
1996 3rd of 16
2000 11th of 16
2004 5th of 16
2008 did not qualify
2012 5th of 16
2016 12th of 24

That comes out to an average of 9th of 15, when you qualified at all. Let’s call this year 16 of 32. About average. Certainly nowhere near “humiliation” and much closer to “expectation”. Don’t you think Gov?


Secondly –  Iceland isn’t that bad at football (soccer). Remember, they had to beat Holland twice to qualify. Sure, it wasn’t one of the great Dutch teams of yesteryear. But there are no statistics to suggest that Iceland’s current team is inferior to the Three Lions unless you count player-salaries. England still has never won a European Finals knockout game on foreign soil; Iceland now has.

In fact, here is Iceland’s qualifying record for 2016

Played 10 / Win 6 / Draw 2 / Loss 2

And at the Final 2016

Played 4/ Win 2 / Draw 2 / Loss 0

If you want to be all English “self-deprecating” in order to make yourselves feel better, then you should focus on the 1-0 loss to the USA’s part-timers team at the 1950 World Cup. Or your vote at the BREXIT. There’s some justified humiliation.

Anyways, I don’t really care how you feel. I just needed an excuse to post this awesome video!